Damn Girl! Confessions of a feminist lesbian.

“I don’t believe in marriage, it’s a relic of an outdated patriarchal institution”, I said as an obnoxious eight year-old feminist.

I never imagined that some 14 years later, as a 22 year-old lesbian, I’d be regularly speaking in a variety of fora, arguing for the expansion rather than the abolition of marriage.

This is not a post about marriage (though for the record while I’m very pro-marriage equality I still don’t personally believe in it) it’s about how my feminist identity and my sexual orientation intersect and conflict.

For as long as I can remember I’ve identified as a feminist. It’s not something I ever struggled with or questioned. It’s a fundamental part of who I consider myself to be.

My sexual orientation, on the other hand, is something that I questioned for years. To be honest, I still do – sometimes labels don’t really capture the complexity and fluidity of attraction – but by the time I was 17, I’d come to the conclusion that I identified as (mostly) gay.

As a gay woman, I’m attracted to women. I check women out. I make judgments about whether or not I think they are physically attractive. I discuss my opinions about women’s attractiveness with other people.

This is where I start to feel conflicted.

As a feminist, I think that the objectification of women is wrong. I think that there is much more to women than their appearance, and obviously I would never date someone just because they were physically attractive. But I still check women out.

Similarly, burlesque and drag performances by and for women are a significant feature of the lesbian ‘scene’. In these acts, women are frequently wearing minimal clothing, and performing for an audience that is “appreciating” their bodies.

Is there any difference between a room full of women doing this and a room full of men doing it? Arguably, I guess so, because as women we aren’t a part of the institutional power of the patriarchy, but I’m still not that comfortable with it. I’m just not sure that replicating what I, as a feminist, consider to be something that is an oppressive behaviour is in any way advancing the cause of women. Surely something is wrong if women are themselves perpetuating the ‘male gaze’ and objectifying other women?

It’s something I’ve discussed a lot with my lesbian friends, and it’s complicated – if women feel liberated performing in front of other women, who are we to say that they’re participating in the patriarchy? If I’m not comfortable with it, I’m free not to attend, I shouldn’t enforce my perceptions of feminism and appropriate behaviour on other women.

The problem is, women can and do feel objectified by other women. I once had a conversation with a friend about going to a particular Newtown pub’s lesbian night, and she said she didn’t want to go because “walking in there is worse than walking into a room full of seedy old dudes”.

I guess the difference between the two situations is that the woman performing for a room full of same-sex attracted women is consenting to the objectification – I don’t really think you can argue it’s anything other than objectification – while the woman casually walking in to the pub for a drink with a friend isn’t.

But where does that leave me, the same-sex attracted woman sitting at a café on King Street in Newtown watching women walking past and mentally assessing their attractiveness? Women walking down the street can’t consent to be looked at and judged (regardless of what they’re wearing – nothing is an invitation to be objectified). Ultimately I think checking out people of the gender to which you’re attracted is a just a natural instinct.

So maybe it’s all just a question of how you define objectification. Do I check women out? Absolutely. But I also respect them. I believe there is much more to a person than just their appearance – to be honest to me nothing is sexier than intelligence and a good sense of humour – and I don’t think that women exist purely as objects for my sexual satisfaction. I think that’s the important difference. Not between me as a woman checking out other women and men checking out women; but between me (and everyone else who is both attracted to and respects women) and other people. Other women and men who don’t see women as people, as independent individuals with personality and agency over themselves and their sexuality, but as passive recipients of their desire. That’s when a natural behaviour becomes participation in the patriarchy and oppresses women.

** All opinions my own and do not reflect the policy or position of the National Union of Students

Donherra Walmsley is the National President of NUS. You can follow her on twitter at: @NUS_President 

2 thoughts on “Damn Girl! Confessions of a feminist lesbian.

  1. eva cox

    Good one, really like what you are saying. Is too much of what we d as women based on macho ways of doing things? Have tweeted it! Do we need some space to talk these critiques through?


  2. lyndalbutler

    My apologies for coming late to this but I just thought I’d throw some ideas in.

    I don’t know whether this is a quirk of mine, but I’ve never felt comfortable rating people on their physical appearance or overall attractiveness. I think society encourages us to rate things, to give things stars or recommendations or reviews, without leaving us much scope to make up our mind about how appealing any given item or experience is.

    The same goes for people. We have ‘Beauty Pageants’, commentators rate the frocks and looks of women walking into the Oscars, magazines line up men and women and ask readers to rate them on their attractiveness or personality, ads tell us what is and what’s not attractive; all of these things lead us into a habit of assessing people, stacking them against one another, and competing with each other to be more attractive and likeable.

    Now, I don’t want to say I’m completely guiltless. When I first came out I tried on the kind of language that men use to describe women: ‘she’s so hot’, ‘I’d tap that’ etc. The novelty soon wore off and I felt appalled with myself. While it can sometimes be flattering to hear a stranger call you ‘hot’, I personally don’t like being looked at or assessed in this way.

    I think it’s only a matter of breaking out of this masculine way of thinking; to perhaps not check women out, but rather to appreciate who they are and respect our relationship with them. For example, a woman walking down the street, whether we find her beautiful or not, is not asking to be judged. We should respect that we have no relationship with her whatsoever, and as such we should simply appreciate her in the way we would anyone passing us in the street. The relationship is different, however, to that of a Burlesque dancer. Here the dancer is asking us to appreciate her routine (maybe her body, I don’t know, I’ve never been to a Burlesque show to be honest) so that’s all we should do.

    I don’t mean to say that I disagree with the above post, just some food for thought.


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